everything

I was talking to a friend last night and he said he didn’t understand why a man would ghost a woman that would give him everything, I don’t know either, I really don’t know what I did wrong, why he would abandon a friendship and a partnership. I had an awesome dream last night, it was wonderful, he chose me in the dream, he stood up for me and then I woke up, knowing that it may never happen.

it’s been lingering in my head all day and threw me into bit of a depression, I’ve been really tired all day, I just don’t know how to get the thoughts in my head out and they are coming out jumbled here, I’m irritated and I wish I could talk to someone but no one really wants to hear it anymore, it almost been 2 years and I’m still waiting for someone that may never get there, but there is this lingering hope, hope is everything and it’s what gets me through my days

the dream: we were working out together alone and then I left to go get some weights, then someone took my mat next to him and I came back and they said, I want to work out next to him, it’s my mat now, for some reason he was the boss and popular and I just felt defeated so I said fine whatever, tears whaling up in my eyes as I started to retreat because I just felt like after everything, he still was going to choose them and not me and maybe this was it, I was just tired and done. But he surprised me and told his bodyguard to bring his equipment and my equipment to the new office and that he was going to go to the new office to work out because he just wanted to be with alone with me. He turned around to all the guys and said, “I choose her first, you treat her with respect, she’s mine and you can go if you don’t like it” and we left together, I was so proud of him for standing up to everyone. He told me from now on, I was a priority and that he wanted to make love to me. Then I woke up.

The thing is I am so very proud of him and I would do anything to make him happy and support him in any endeavor he wants to do. I drove past the house the other night and it looks amazing but I can’t tell him because then he would think I’m stalking him and honestly I’m not but I did want to see the house, I felt compelled to drive past it and the plants he’s planted the shrubs look really cool along the edge of the property. I wish I could tell him. I’m proud of the cases he’s won in the last couple of years and how his business is doing but I can’t tell him that either, so I just silently love him from afar hoping someday that he gets there, that he meant what he said “to not count him out, he would get there”

I wish I could ask him to tell me stories about his mom, I want to know her more, I want to know the woman that said I was family now.

And my friend who says he secretly looking for someone for me, I’m not interested. I don’t know how to explain that to anyone else, I’m not there yet, I may never be there, I don’t know if I will ever trust someone to get that close to me again, but I will try and refrain from talking about it anymore, I’ll keep it to myself.