what do I want?
he asked what did I want and why was he so special to you?
the simple answer: he felt like home
the long answer: we could sit in a room together and work or do our own thing and not talk, that’s rare when you feel comfortable with someone to sit in silence. We have a lot of the same quirks and sense of humor. We have similar hobbies, although we both work a lot so rarely have time for them. He was the first person I’d ever met that got “Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.” He called me beautiful and meant it (or at least I thought he meant it). He brought me coffee randomly just to say hi. His eyes would light up whenever I walked into the room. He genuinely really really liked me and told me he did. I could be my whole self with him, not the person I pretended to be with everyone else, but just me and I didn’t feel like I was being judged (until the end, then I felt like I was being judged). He loves animals including cats, he has cats and dogs. I didn’t feel like I was looking in from the outside anymore, he really saw me and still liked me. He cares about me (and still does after all this time). He’s smart, like super smart, he matches my intelligence level and it is so nice to be able to talk to someone that is smart (I don’t have to dumb it down with him). He’s shy and cute and has an awesome smile. We could talk for hours and hours and lose track of time just being together. We could talk about anything or nothing at all with no filters. He would text me good morning and tell me random things about his day. He’s a warm and fuzzy, comforting soul.
I could keep going but in essence, he felt like home. I feel a sense of recognition akin to that of finding a very old friend. I feel as if I had known and loved this person forever, a connection that has sense of deep affinity. It’s rare to find this type of connection and I still wonder where it all went wrong, what did I do wrong to lose this connection with someone that felt like I was finally home where I belonged.
What do I want? I want to find that connection again.