dont know where to start, we’ve been connecting via text and lunch with a mutual client (she was up to something today) kind of wish it had just me and you that had lunch and you are back to your normal self, the guy that I fell in love with, the guy I still deeply love and I’ve been wishing for these moments again with you for so long but honestly, I’m scared of letting you back into my life. I’m scared that you’ll just disappear again if it gets too overwhelming for you and break my heart all over…
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this afternoon, I could have sworn I was listening to music, was singing the lyrics in my head then I realized there wasn’t any music playing, not on my phone, not on the computer. I haven’t talked to anyone all day except the cats and haven’t gone anywhere, so either I have completely and utterly lost my mind (auditory hallucinations) or someone is thinking about me or spirit is trying to tell me something although the ghost usually doesn’t stick songs in my head, she either just tells me or makes my electronics go wonky or squirrels seem to appear.…
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remember when we were in the kitchen trying to figure out how much CBD to use and we were laughing because neither one of us knew what to do. I wanted more of that, more of seeing you happy and laughing, making you laugh over random silly things. Or that time when you were sitting on the counter, teasing me from a distance, smiling, the thing is I wanted to hit you for whatever you said but I could see the someone was watching our interaction and I held back, wish I hadn’t. That’s what I want more of, the…
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I have to keep reminding myself that you’re never coming back into my life 🙁 . That you at some point decided that you were no longer my friend, maybe I scared you, wouldn’t be the first person to walk away from me, probably won’t be the last. I tried to grow my hair out thinking maybe you wanted a woman with long hair but you know what, I can not stand that in between stage of growing my hair out, I feel like a troll doll, so I shaved it again tonight because what the fuck is wrong with me…
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Real love takes time to root and grow, a lot like plants. I ran across a plant thing that I think you would absolutely adore because when you are nervous you talk about random plants and their latin names which I have always found incredibly adorable about you, one of the many reasons I love you. I keep thinking of whom I feel in love with and it’s most definitely not the persona that you let the world see, I fell for this man that gets nervous in situations and talks about latin plant names, has an inner vulnerably that…
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he told me not to go to law school because it would change me, I don’t know about that, could it change me worse than a broken heart and being ghosted? That’s changed me, it’s changed how I see the world, it’s changed who I trust, it’s changed how I see him. I never thought he would do that to me! I never ever would have believed that when he said he loved me that he would just silently walk out of my life without so much as a glance back, without a care about how it would affect me.…
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wow, what a bitch! I actually called to see how she was doing, I knew she had been sick and it had been a couple of weeks since we talked. I was really busy and didn’t have time to talk for hours but I thought I’d check in. I was telling her what I had been up to lately and she told me about what she had been doing but the wow part, is when I told her about the latest weirdness with someone and she cut me off with “why do you tell me about him, you know how…
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Tonight I learned that I wasn’t invited to a wedding that I was told about for weeks, they needed help planning it and finding a venue and of course, thinking that they were my friends, I offered advice and helped out where I could and now I realized I am not part of their inner circle, probably never was, still outside, looking in, hoping to be part of a group, I’m not even sure I want to continue doing block parties when we can, what’s the fucking point, they don’t really see me as a friend or part of their…