Tonight I learned that I wasn’t invited to a wedding that I was told about for weeks, they needed help planning it and finding a venue and of course, thinking that they were my friends, I offered advice and helped out where I could and now I realized I am not part of their inner circle, probably never was, still outside, looking in, hoping to be part of a group, I’m not even sure I want to continue doing block parties when we can, what’s the fucking point, they don’t really see me as a friend or part of their little group. It’s a lot of work to put it together, I never have time for it and never really have time to socialize because I’m so busy making sure it all works. I’m starting to see that some people just like me because they think I have money or I have connections, it’s not a true friendship, there is always some hidden agenda that I don’t see until it too late.
Those people really can just fuck off!
I don’t like being rejected. It makes me wonder why people don’t genuinely like me or what is wrong with me, am I too needy or too independent or too weird, too quiet?
But it’s the people that I genuinely want to be friends with or connect with that have no interest in me, so what is wrong with me?
Why am I always looking in from the outside hoping to belong?
still falling down a rabbit hole…
fallen free
I feel bad about the way I handled the rejection and the subsequent venting to someone I probably should not have vented too. I had someone that finally saw me for me and wasn’t running away from me and he really really like me but in my defense, I thought we were on the same page, because you know when you say “hey baby, I really really like you”, I assumed you really really like me and we were heading in the same direction.