how do I go back to not talking to anyone? It’s hard to sit hear alone with my thoughts when you know no one wants to talk to me anymore, no one was ever really my friend and no one wants to hear what I am thinking or how I am feeling. the sheer nothingness of it all. I know that in nothingness, there is everything, an energy in absolute potential but potential for what? That the ending is the beginning but again the beginning of what? I know that we are all made of energy and that we are…
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serendipity, fate coincidence or ghostly intervention, I’m not sure but last night I found the perfect name for my new venture, The Bochord Writere, which literally means the library writer or the writer librarian. She used to be a librarian when she was 15 back in 1940, I wish I could ask you, her son, or even her daughter, more about her, hear more stories, but I guess I just have to wait until to leads me to what she wants me to know. It’s like all of sudden, I will have this thought pop into my head about something…
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I’ve been carrying around this little key that goes into a heart for many many years, I have no idea how long I’ve had it but I had always hoped that I would find that one person that gets the key to my heart metaphorically and I thought you were the one, almost gave it to you, kind of glad I didn’t. Kind of wish, I had never given you that pocket dragon either, I should have realized at the moment, you were gas lighting me, should have walked away at the point. I would never trade the world for…
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I buried this part of me a long time ago because to be honest when you tell people that you can hear and feel dead people, they tend to look at you like you are crazy. Bring into that mix that you can remember your past lives or you can feel the energy in a room or from people or that things/people drain the living hell out of you, people get even weirder around you or make fun of you, like my family does, so I kind of got to a point where I just never mentioned it to anyone…
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guess it was too much to ask the universe to have someone in my life that genuinely likes me for me and just enjoys my company and wants absolutely nothing from me except my friendship to just stay. be that rock for me, someone I could lean on and that could lean on me too, someone to grow with, someone to love and care for one another like she wanted. I realize that I’m writing this all to you because maybe someday you will read it and stay this time it was really nice to have that kind of friendship…
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my darling friend died on 10/20/2020 I couldn’t write about her until now, it was too painful. She was such a sweetheart and I wish I had more time with her, had gotten to know her before the dementia had set in, she did have clear lucid moments here and there in the end but I wish I had known her before, she seemed like a hoot in her heydays. She reminded me that I have special/empathic gifts and not to hide myself and be brave and honest with the people around me, I still think that backfires more often…
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My heart has been broken too many times. I am disinterested in small talk, disillusioned with people, too focused on my dreams and my job to let anyone in, too afraid to let anyone see the real me for fear they will make fun of me. But you found your way into my heart and you really really see me, you didn’t judge me or make fun of me and I stop hiding who I am and fell in love with you. You inspired me to start writing again, you have given me hope that there is someone out there…